Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
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We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please