LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
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Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!