My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
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Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
my sentiments exactly
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
yes, those are my real potatoes.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?