We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
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[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word