Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
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*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.