In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
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-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad