I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
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Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets