waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
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It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.