My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
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house sitting!
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad