DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
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Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
If only.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.