Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
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[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
They’re on their honeymoon
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
I’m about to risk it all
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass