If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
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Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.