if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
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Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
Brb my Sims are getting married
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
Sharon, call the vet
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.