My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
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Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
who will stop them
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.