A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
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friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
Ok who’s got my black socks?
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.