no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
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Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
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Expectations vs. Reality