AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
You Might Also Like
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
i smell a pulitzer
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd