I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
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Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
If snakes were wide
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child