My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
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Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.