Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
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The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.