Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of DaHess1's best tweets

@DaHess1 : Pizza will never tell you you're fat unless you're high as shit, then pizza is probably suggesting you fight an aardvark to lose weight.

@DaHess1: If you're a white guy and walk into Home Depot without wearing sunglasses on top of your head, they legally don't have to sell you anything.

@DaHess1: Wanna screw with your idiot friends on Facebook? Post that Obama passed a law to stay in office a third term this morning. Praise Jesus.

@DaHess1: I want to see a pregnancy test commercial where 2 single people high five the shit out of each other because it's negative.

@DaHess1: When I momentarily lack the ability to articulate my thoughts and use a preposition instead.

That.

@DaHess1: "Cellphones only work when you talk into them like you're trying to be heard over a buzzsaw screwing a freight train."

- My Dad

@DaHess1: Anytime I see a happy white couple in their 30's sitting in front of a laptop, I just assume they are filming a credit score commercial.

@DaHess1: Dear Airlines,

We never really turn the phones off.

Signed,
Everyone

@DaHess1: @BurgerKing I love the way all employees working the drive thru speak English as a 14th language. I just got a frog and an avocado.

@DaHess1: I told my dentist I wanted whiter teeth so he named them all Bryce and moved them to a gated community.