her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
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Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”