Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
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Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…