[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
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I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker