@DadandBuried: Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
@DadandBuried: "Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!"
- My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
@DadandBuried: 6yo: What's for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I'll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
@DadandBuried: Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
@DadandBuried: I'm so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They're just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
@DadandBuried: My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he's got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
@DadandBuried: I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn't happen to be screaming there's always another around to pick up the slack.
@DadandBuried: Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
6: 5 square red blocks.
6: I said RED!
@DadandBuried: As far as I'm concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.