Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of DadandBuried's best tweets

@DadandBuried : *decorating the tree* 6yo: Dad, can I help? Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.

@DadandBuried: Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.

@DadandBuried: "Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!"

- My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.

@DadandBuried: 6yo: What's for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
Me: I'll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.

@DadandBuried: Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.

@DadandBuried: I'm so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They're just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.

@DadandBuried: My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he's got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.

@DadandBuried: I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn't happen to be screaming there's always another around to pick up the slack.

@DadandBuried: Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.

6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!

@DadandBuried: As far as I'm concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.