Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of DadandBuried's best tweets

@DadandBuried : As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.

@DadandBuried: My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.

It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.

@DadandBuried: Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.

@DadandBuried: My son started school today. I'm excited to meet all the new illnesses he'll be bringing home this fall.

@DadandBuried: Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.

Other times they’re awake.

@DadandBuried: 80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.

@DadandBuried: I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.

@DadandBuried: 60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.

@DadandBuried: My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.

7yo: You're being lazy! You're just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I'm doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don't go to jail.

@DadandBuried: *putting kid to bed*

Me: Goodnight, buddy, I love you.
Sleep tight.

7yo: Dad, you have to make sugar cookies to bring to class tomorrow. Goodnight!