Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of DadandBuried's best tweets

@DadandBuried : Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.

@DadandBuried: My son started school today. I'm excited to meet all the new illnesses he'll be bringing home this fall.

@DadandBuried: Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.

Other times they’re awake.

@DadandBuried: 80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.

@DadandBuried: I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.

@DadandBuried: 60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.

@DadandBuried: My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.

7yo: You're being lazy! You're just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I'm doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
7yo: But I go to school so you don't go to jail.

@DadandBuried: *putting kid to bed*

Me: Goodnight, buddy, I love you.
Sleep tight.

7yo: Dad, you have to make sugar cookies to bring to class tomorrow. Goodnight!

@DadandBuried: Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
Me: Get dressed, please.
Me: Please get dressed.
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
Me: Put your clothes on.
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!

@DadandBuried: Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.