Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of DaddyJew's best tweets

@DaddyJew : Interviewer: what's ur biggest flaw? Me: I tend to incorrectly correct people I: but ur resume is impeccable M: I think u mean unpeccable

@DaddyJew: Don't do drugs kids. Give that shit to your parents. They've had a long day.

@DaddyJew: Gf: on a scale from 1-10, how annoyed are you with me right now?

Me: 8

Gf: I can do better than that

@DaddyJew: Parent: my child's reading at a 3rd grade level, what reading level is your son at?

Me: he knows some curse words but not all of them yet

@DaddyJew: Me: I'm gonna be late

Boss: why?

Me: *stealthily following a chicken after it crossed the road* I'm solving a mystery

@DaddyJew: *whispers "we should run away together" while petting the neighbor's dog*

@DaddyJew: I talk a lot of shit for someone who still says "righty tighty lefty loosy" before turning anything

@DaddyJew: Interviewer: what's your biggest weakness?

Me: im very straight forward

I: doesn't sound like a weakness

M: you look stupid in that tie

@DaddyJew: *tries to learn from mistakes*

*pokes son*

hey, teach me something

@DaddyJew: 7: can I have a pop tart?

Me: we're going to eat dinner soon

7: this will be my dinner

Me: fine but at least have a strawberry one