Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of DaddyJew's best tweets

@DaddyJew : [leaving couples therapy] *whispers to therapist* so who won?

@DaddyJew: [first date]

Date: I'm really big into astrology, I'm a Scorpio

Me: *trying to impress* I'm a tarantula

@DaddyJew: Oatmeal cookies always be the last ones in a variety pack looking up at you like "how badly do you want a cookie?"

@DaddyJew: [my gf on her death bed]
I don't know, what do you want to eat?

@DaddyJew: I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.

@DaddyJew: Gf: is it in?

Me: I think its in

Gf: nothing's happening

Me: give it a sec

Gf: take it out & put it back in

M: ugh fine *reinserts DVD*

@DaddyJew: Interviewer: what did you learn from your previous job?

Me: that I need a new job

@DaddyJew: Surround yourself with positive people and positive things will happen. Surround yourself with negative people and say hi to my family.

@DaddyJew: That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.

@DaddyJew: Thank you autocorrect for changing "we met in person" to "we met in prison". This is going to be a wonderful family dinner. I can just feel it.