Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of DaddyJew's best tweets

@DaddyJew : *throws $100 worth of coins in the wishing well* I wish I was better with money

@DaddyJew: Interviewer: how competitive are you?

Me: not very

Interviewer: neither am I

Me: nice...but I'm less competitive

@DaddyJew: Interviewer: do you work well under pressure?




Interviewer: well?

Me: Jesus Christ man, I'm thinking

@DaddyJew: Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?

[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]

Me: creative differences

@DaddyJew: Me: did you do your homework?

7: idk how

Me: it's ok, we'll do it together

[30min later]
Isn't there somebody in your class we can call?

@DaddyJew: At this age in my life I thought I was going to much wealthier than I am now

Subway: so no extra cheese?

Me: *checks wallet* not today Carol

@DaddyJew: If someone steals your identity, you should have every right to kill them. What are they gonna do, arrest you for suicide?

@DaddyJew: It's like my doctor always says "holy shit, you're still alive?"

@DaddyJew: Dentist: do you floss?

Me: do we have to do this?

@DaddyJew: Nurse friend: where can I get some scrubs?

Me: idk, probably hanging at the passenger side of his best friend's ride trying to holler at me