Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of DaddyJew's best tweets

@DaddyJew : *something breaks Me: hand me my tools 7: call someone for help Me: no 7 already on the phone: mom, he's trying to fix stuff again

@DaddyJew: Well well well if it isn't the guy whose lawn I woke up on

@DaddyJew: Me: i'll have a Dr.Pepper

Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?

Me: is he a doctor?

@DaddyJew: HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA THINK YOUR FRIEND IS REALLY CUTE

@DaddyJew: Me: I'll have some cold water

Clerk: sorry all we have is warm water

Me: yall got ice?

Clerk: yea

Me:

Clerk:

Me: I have a crazy idea

@DaddyJew: Don't spill it
Don't spill it
Don't spill it
Don't spill it
Don't spill it
My kitchen now has a lake

- me trying to fill up my ice trays

@DaddyJew: I wonder if babies know that we are more terrified of them than they are of us

@DaddyJew: Me: sleep before the monsters get you

7: monsters aren't real

M: you sound like your brother

7: brother?

M: I've said too much already

@DaddyJew: Me: what do you want to be when you grow up?

Son: happy

Me: no, something reasonable

@DaddyJew: Why yes, lady with a cracked IPhone, I'd love it if you'd hold my baby.