Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of DaddyJew's best tweets

@DaddyJew : Funny how kids can remember a video game you promised them months ago but ask them to turn off a light 10x and suddenly they're clueless

@DaddyJew: [me flirting]
Wanna nap and occasionally scratch each others backs?

@DaddyJew: Imagine being rich enough you could take your car in to get looked at every time the check engine light came on

@DaddyJew: If you give a man a fish he'll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done

@DaddyJew: Cop: license and registration

Me: nice try, I don't have either of those

@DaddyJew: When you catch someone picking their nose it's important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.

@DaddyJew: 7: I wanna watch a movie

Me: its late, sleep

7: I WANNA WATCH A MOVIE

M: fine *puts in Texas Chainsaw Massacre* goodnight you little shit

@DaddyJew: That awkward moment when you're in bed & go to take a sip of your drink but don't feel like doing a sit up and start waterboarding yourself

@DaddyJew: Sometimes I get road rage waiting for my son to finish his story.

@DaddyJew: Interviewer: why should we hire you?

Me: so I can pay my rent