Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
You Might Also Like
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
*aggressively waits in line*
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time