I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
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things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn鈥檛 end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you鈥檙e d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I鈥檓 clearly high and stole a baby.
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can鈥檛 wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
In our house the answer to 馃幎who let the dogs out?馃幎 is always the toddler at 4am when we鈥檙e all alseep because she thinks it鈥檚 funny
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don鈥檛 have to work and pay taxes.
My daughter鈥檚 school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these pi帽atas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He鈥檚 back again
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
Hotel clerk: You鈥檙e eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
not to brag, but mine was free