School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
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It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
we all know this pain all too well
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
asking santa clause for nudes
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
there has never been a better use of this meme
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!