Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
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me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Investing in beetcoin
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
Me when my alarm goes off
What’s so funny?
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What