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I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
Before & after 😅
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?