Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of DanKCharnley's best tweets

@DanKCharnley : [Job interview] Boss: "What's your biggest weakness?" Me: "I have no weaknesses." *clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*

@DanKCharnley: Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.

@DanKCharnley: No matter what meal it is, always say you had "brunch" so people know how much better than them you are.

@DanKCharnley: [1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: "Yes hello I'd like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!"
*gets stabbed*

@DanKCharnley: he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish

@DanKCharnley: You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*

@DanKCharnley: He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.

@DanKCharnley: Sensible dad: I'd like to buy 3 'fleeks' & 7 'swags' for my son.

"Sir this is Urban Outfitters"

Do you have any 'baes'?

"Please leave"

@DanKCharnley: Don't make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.

@DanKCharnley: I'm jealous of turtles because if they don't want to talk to someone, they're like "Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later."