@DanKCharnley: [Job interview]
Boss: "What's your biggest weakness?"
Me: "I have no weaknesses."
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
@DanKCharnley: No matter what meal it is, always say you had "brunch" so people know how much better than them you are.
@DanKCharnley: [1st day as undercover cop]
Me: "Yes hello I'd like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!"
@DanKCharnley: he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
@DanKCharnley: He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
@DanKCharnley: Sensible dad: I'd like to buy 3 'fleeks' & 7 'swags' for my son.
"Sir this is Urban Outfitters"
Do you have any 'baes'?
@DanKCharnley: Don't make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.