Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of DanMentos's best tweets

@DanMentos : doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine ray: the what

@DanMentos: me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go

@DanMentos: friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol

@DanMentos: me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you're ruining thanksgiving

@DanMentos: me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right

[later at dinner]

Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine

@DanMentos: guys please don't talk about the healthcare vote I've got it tivoed

@DanMentos: [first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff

@DanMentos: BOB THE BEER DROPPER: I make the worst decisions
ME: hold my beer

@DanMentos: BREAKING: Hugh Hefner dies at 69. He was 91 years old

@DanMentos: me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit