Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of DanMentos's best tweets

@DanMentos : [first date that up until now is going extremely well] date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy me: my dog’s name is jeff

@DanMentos: BOB THE BEER DROPPER: I make the worst decisions
ME: hold my beer

@DanMentos: BREAKING: Hugh Hefner dies at 69. He was 91 years old

@DanMentos: me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit

@DanMentos: "You did it!"
"You did it!"
"You did it!"
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube

@DanMentos: me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I'm owned online*
wife: do you hear bees

@DanMentos: [first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* "almost done"
so where are we going after this?
"what"

@DanMentos: lol my boss just called me into his office and told me I've been spending too much time on twitter. Hold on he's saying something else now

@DanMentos: *notices my tinder match has "catholic" in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats

@DanMentos: [grabs mic during TED Talk] They're towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*