Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of DanMentos's best tweets

@DanMentos : [laying in bed at 2am] ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep

@DanMentos: [couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean

@DanMentos: [evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*

@DanMentos: doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what

@DanMentos: me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go

@DanMentos: friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol

@DanMentos: me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you're ruining thanksgiving

@DanMentos: me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right

[later at dinner]

Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine

@DanMentos: guys please don't talk about the healthcare vote I've got it tivoed

@DanMentos: [first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff