Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of DanMentos's best tweets

@DanMentos : for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas

@DanMentos: me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS

@DanMentos: “Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and

@DanMentos: eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can't ask for more shots

@DanMentos: I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy

@DanMentos: [laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep

@DanMentos: [couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean

@DanMentos: [evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*

@DanMentos: doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what

@DanMentos: me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go