Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
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My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
lol
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.