7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
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How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
car not found
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”