Funny Tweeter

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Page of Dani_Feld's best tweets

@Dani_Feld : The right response to "I'm a bit tied up at the moment" isn't "what are you wearing?" Apparently.

@Dani_Feld: I fed the cows marijuana.

The steaks have never been higher.

@Dani_Feld: Him: I like powerful women.

Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*

@Dani_Feld: A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.

And now, we wait...

@Dani_Feld: What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?

What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?

@Dani_Feld: LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I'M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET

@Dani_Feld: My doctor said I shouldn't binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.

@Dani_Feld: That's it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I'm going to say "no, I'm just sleeping around".

@Dani_Feld: I slept like a log last night.

A badger pissed on me.

@Dani_Feld: I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.