The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
You Might Also Like
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
operators are standing by to ignore your call
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.