OMG 馃ぃ馃ぃ
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attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there鈥檚 a monster under there it鈥檚 going to kill us both.
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn鈥檛 sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don鈥檛 sound like that.
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
Them: We can鈥檛 pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I鈥檝e got my own website. I can expose myself. 鈥ou know what I mean.
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
Accidently went when it wasn鈥檛 my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?