Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
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“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
Hero horse inspires millions
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY