That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
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Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
I saw nothing
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book