First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
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Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise