If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
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Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
Her: 馃槈 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
me: I鈥檓 working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what鈥檚 it called
me: Actually Love
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
I鈥檝e diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby鈥檚 Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
I am all good here, 馃槀馃槈
Accidentally took my mother鈥檚 id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
I don鈥檛 know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.