if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
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5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
Some people were born into their job.
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron