Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
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Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.