Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
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When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
🐕🍷
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
A leaf blower, but for people.
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time