Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
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[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
My dad teaching me to drive
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX