That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
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Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.