Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Darlainky's best tweets

@Darlainky : I’m going green for the holidays. Grinch green.

@Darlainky: Friend: Get anything for Valentine's Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.

@Darlainky: I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.

@Darlainky: I'm feeling weak. I've got chills. With Valentine's Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it's the flu.

@Darlainky: *takes my split ends to couples counseling*

@Darlainky: Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what's exactly in the thermos ma'am?

@Darlainky: I just misread genetic as generic. I don't know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.

@Darlainky: Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.

Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.

@Darlainky: Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.

@Darlainky: *takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*

*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*