Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Darlainky's best tweets

@Darlainky : Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures. Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*

@Darlainky: *runs for mayor*
Mayor: You're outta shape

@Darlainky: Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.

@Darlainky: [at quick clinic]

Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?

Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.

@Darlainky: Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.

@Darlainky: “WTF?”

“Seriously?”

“How could you?”

“Oh, man!”

“I’m right here.”

-my dog watching me throw food in the trash

@Darlainky: Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they'd be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.

@Darlainky: I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.

@Darlainky: [Tarot reading ends]

Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!

Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.

@Darlainky: *my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*

Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.