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Page of Darlainky's best tweets

@Darlainky : My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.

@Darlainky: I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.

@Darlainky: Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?

@Darlainky: The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.

@Darlainky: I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.

@Darlainky: Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane

@Darlainky: [jungle]

Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.

Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.

@Darlainky: Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings

@Darlainky: Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage

@Darlainky: I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.