Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Darlainky's best tweets

@Darlainky : I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.

@Darlainky: I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.

@Darlainky: Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*

Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.

@Darlainky: I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.

@Darlainky: I put my pants on just the same as everyone else...
With one hand, so I don't have to sit my phone down.

@Darlainky: Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.

Canada: Let’s keep it that way.

@Darlainky: Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace......WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!

@Darlainky: Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, "We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma'am".

@Darlainky: I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.

@Darlainky: Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.