@Darlainky: Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
@Darlainky: [at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
@Darlainky: Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
“How could you?”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
@Darlainky: Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they'd be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
@Darlainky: I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
@Darlainky: [Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
@Darlainky: *my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.