Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Darlainky's best tweets

@Darlainky : "You accept unused items as well, right?", I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.

@Darlainky: Him: I don't see nothin' wrong-

Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*

@Darlainky: Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.

@Darlainky: I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.

@Darlainky: I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.

@Darlainky: Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.

@Darlainky: [neighborhood meeting]

Me: This is an outrage!

Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–

Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.

@Darlainky: My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.

@Darlainky: I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I'm out $140.

@Darlainky: What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.