My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
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Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices