someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
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I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
I’m having an out of money experience.
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.