At my grandmaโs house and just accidentally let out a โyall stop running in and outโ omg itโs over ๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐
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Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. thatโs him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
the simulation is moving too fast
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. ๐
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
I donโt have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, โdo you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?โ Who would choose the hard way?!
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
[Texting]
My Brother: Hereโs pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Hereโs pictures of my second breakfast
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: Iโve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: Iโll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
Me: Time for bed, son. I donโt make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clockโ
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
โmoney doesnโt buy happinessโ okay then give me all of yours
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is